It’s what the title says, and these are all true stories.

*text comes in that your uber driver is arriving*

Me: [standing outside with bags waving down uber]

Uber: [slows down, then speeds up to parallel park on the other side of the road]

Me: [struggle walk to him and open door]

Uber: Oh, are you Tillie? You were over there before.

Me: Yes, I know.

*Uber is driving 21mph on Westside highway from 79th to 14th street*

Me: Hi. Umm, so I just noticed the speed limit is 35mph, and you’re definitely going 21.

Uber: Yeah, I can’t drive the speed limit and talk on the phone. It’s hard to multi-task.

Uber: Do you like my new car? It’s only two weeks old.

Me: Congratulations.

Uber: Do you like it?

Me: Yes, it’s nice. *let’s hope we don’t get into a car accident.*

*white male driver wearing a snapback playing rap music*

Uber:  You see the Billboards? Drake took OVER!

Me: Oh really? No I didn’t watch it.

Uber: Oh… well, Drake took over!

Me: *I didn’t watch them, but those clips tell me a different story.*

* in FedEx overhearing another customer’s interaction with an agent*

FedEx: Last name “Thomas”?

Customer: [leans over counter to inch closer to agent] Yes. There are so many things you can do with that name. Tommy Boy. Peeping Tom. Uncle Tom.

* about to enter Zabar’s on 80th and Broadway, when an elderly woman stops me *

Elder: Hi, sweety! Can you go inside and buy me a ham bone? It’s $5. [She puts the money in my hand]

Me: Sure, ok. Can I ask why you don’t want to go inside?

Elder: I was kicked out, and now am banned.

Me: Ohhh, ok.

* yes, I did buy her the ham bone. *